Of course, I’d still have to pay for gas… and lodging. That would suck. And I’d miss Kristen and the cats like crazy. Still, I think it’d be an enjoyable experience.

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In so many ways, to so many people, it’s really hard to appreciate the anger and sadness that comes with having such a terrible illness and continual health issues. You live in a world where everyone you know will never fully understand. It’s not their fault or anything. It’s just that, no matter what, they won’t get that you’ll always feel bitter and angry towards the fact that a large chunk of your life was taken away from you for no apparent reason. The reality is, having cancer will never make sense… you’ll never know why you got it, you’ll never know if the treatment is going to work, and you’ll never know if it’s gone for good. The only thing that you can do is ignore that cynicism as much as possible, and live your life.

Living your life gets difficult, though, when you’re faced with constant reminders that cancer as a disease is never going away. You will know other people with cancer; your loved ones, your friends. You’ll watch the news and someone famous will be diagnosed. You’ll be asked to join a support group, donate, walk, etc. You’ll be asked how you’re feeling, and people will judge what you’ve been doing with your life “since your illness”.

It can be a real drag and can make you isolate yourself a bit.

For me, the only person I think I ever really reached out for any kind of cancer-kinship kind of support was Andrea Coller. And it was only because we both were aware that each other existed, really. I talked with her only a few times about it. I think mostly for me, knowing that she was dealing with all of this stuff too, and with a sense of humor and sarcasm about it, was helpful. Her recent essay article in Glamour magazine really exemplifies her spirit while she’s dealing with some pretty brutal experiences. Anyway, it was the way she didn’t want to really do the things that I also didn’t want to do that made me feel at ease, like the touchy-feely support group kind of stuff. Here’s an excerpt from some email correspondence awhile back:

Hi Matt,

Yes, I’ve also heard that we both are in the big-time at PACE _and_ at Dr. Bowers’ office… How ’bout those stem cell transplants, eh? But thankfully, it seems that so far we both have made it out of that particular hell as all right as anyone could…

…Yeah, sometimes I think it would be fun to sit around and trade war stories with other survivors. But most of the time, I practice the fine art of repression. It works out OK, for the most part.

Andrea

For me, just knowing what another survivor is up to, how they are living life, how they, too, just want everything to be ‘normal’ is enough. I don’t need to recall all the details of treatment, hospitals, medical procedures, and how it felt during treament. I try as hard as possible to not ever think about that stuff. And the further out I get, the more the days just melt into each other, and I’m blissfully not as aware that I am a ‘cancer survivor’.

I’m truly devastated to learn of Andrea Coller’s passing. It’s just a very difficult thing to deal with. At the core of all this is the first-hand knowledge of the hospitals and doctors and many of the ugly things that go along with people trying you fix you. But especially, I just know how much of an imprint Andrea’s life made on my life– and I wasn’t very close to her. To lose someone to similar health issues that I have, so far, survived doesn’t seem fair somehow.

When she was playing open mic nights at Fire and Water back when me and Steve Biegner were playing there too as Smokejumpers, she would light up the crowd. Years later, her performances at P.A.C.E. and her open mic night hosting duties made a different crowd adore her.

These are the types of things that trump everything else. She was just a great kind person living her life, who just happened to be dealing with cancer. And I know is that I will truly miss the calm of knowing that she was ‘around’. What it means in my own life, I haven’t quite figured out yet. We’re a compartmentalized group, just like a lot of groups… ‘people who’ve dealt with cancer’, ‘cancer survivors’. But no-one should ever pretend that we all have the same shit to deal with.

To quote her, I guess “…sometimes I think it would be fun to sit around and trade war stories with other survivors. But most of the time, I practice the fine art of repression. It works out OK, for the most part.”

Everyone will miss what you brought to the world, Andrea.

We’ve been kind of posting some old stuff and posting some new stuff too… everything from misheard lyrics to songs in tv commercials, 70s music, 80s music, 90s music, 00s music, and of course, videos.

Similarly, though there’s nothing quite like a roast beef sandwich from places on the north shore of Massachusetts like Nick’s Roast Beef, Kelly’s Roast Beef, etc. I never get there since it’s a few hours away. I’m happy to say that locally, Rolando’s Roast Beef and Falafel in Amherst pays quite a tribute to the “North Shore Roast Beef Sandwich”… the tangy barbecue sauce, the nice round roll, the onions and cheese– all delicious. I had a taste of Kristen’s falafel also and that was great. The fries and onion rings were good too. I just enjoyed that they use fresh stuff to make everything there. I think I spent about $6-7 for a sandwich, basket of fries, and a drink. I think that’s pretty reasonable considering the amount of food I ordered. I still have never solved the mystery of why Arby’s is so expensive. What’s the deal with that?

Anyway, one more thing about Bueno Y Sano. Did you know they did catering?! I didn’t.

Meanwhile, we’re supposed to get snow up here in not-Jamaica. Luckily I finally got the tire off the snowblower and it should fixed, inflated and ready in the nick of time. I’m sure the barbershop will be open, no matter what the storm brings. It’s like the USPS that way.

Being a landlord is really something. I’m learning that it’s not necessarily a ‘big’ responsibility… it’s more like a ton of tiny responsibilities. Team Larseam is up to the challenge though. Our place IS pretty awesome, after all. We continue to hang up pictures and things like that and it feels like home more every day. Our friend Brittnie and her husband Kurt got us this wonderful framed scene that we hung above the piano. It’s actually made out of papyrus and was brought back from Brittnie’s recent trip to Egypt. It really blew my mind that she did this for us, not to mention the unbelievable party she coordinated (and cooked for) in our honor.

Both Kristen and I are really lucky to have wonderful people in our lives. It really amazes me every time I stop and think about it.

I remember walking around the Easthampton Fall Festival with my cousin Steve Biegner and meeting Sonia for the first time. She suggested that we stop in and soon after we booked ourselves a Smokejumpers show. In the very early days of P.A.C.E., the rooms weren’t separated and there were folding chairs only. There were three risers and that was about it. I think we played a few shows with me on piano, Steve Biegner on guitar, and Adam Bach on bass. We each had our own little 4′x5′ riser. It was fun times. We used to document these things in our livejournal, but I haven’t read that in years.

Between Smokejumpers shows, Northernly shows, Steve Biegner shows, and my own performances at P.A.C.E., I really feel like I’ve made a little dent in the P.A.C.E. stage. I’ve seen some really wonderful shows there too– Haunt, Stephen Brodsky, Mark Schwaber, The Low Anthem, David Berkeley, Swing Caravan. So I’m psyched that I’ve been asked to play this event, because I get in for free to see everyone else playing and performing on those nights.

Also, Steve Biegner and Julia Suriano are the leads in the upcoming production of West Side Story, so some sort of tidbit of that will be happening I imagine.