In 2005, I faced some serious decisions regarding treatment after learning that my Hodgkin’s Lymphoma had come back. It was hard to know what to do, because whichever option I chose came with some consequences. Ultimately I chose to undergo a stem cell transplant, which was a nasty affair with a tremendous affect on my emotional state as well as my body. Now a few years later and cancer free, this song seems to have creeped into my consciousness again. I decided to finally record a demo version this past Monday.

Along with the piano and voice parts, I recorded some background melodica and some kazoo parts reverb-ified.

Listen to “Happens In Stages”

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Happens in stages
Dog-eared pages
Two roads at your feet

Heaven and Earth
Or what it’s worth
You could take chances or time

Also recorded on Monday was a song called Little Black Boxes, inspired by The American Widow Project.

I went up to meet with Dave Chalfant to discuss my forthcoming album a few weeks ago. Dave’s studio is in Conway, Massachusetts, on top of a hill, up a bunch of dirt roads and things. It’s in a place where you can see the stars at night.

I thought I’d have time to stop and get my headlight bulb replaced, except I got stuck in some traffic on I-91, so there wasn’t enough time. I wound up driving through the dark, hilly, woods to Conway with one headlight like that Wallflowers song. The snowbanks were so high I felt like my car was on a bobsled track.

I told Dave all my ideas for making a record… what I liked and didn’t like– why I wanted to do this. He calmly nodded and seemed to understand what I was going for. We both were pretty jazzed about the project. I told him about the grant I received from The SAMFund, and how it is somewhat bittersweet, and how I want to to my best to honor it.

The SamFUND is an organization that I learned more about when I played a benefit concert at PACE in Easthampton, Massachusetts. It was in honor of Andrea Coller, a local musician who passed away last April. I performed one of Andrea’s songs, “Call After Midnight”, and one of my own, “Kindred”. In between I talked about my own experience with cancer, and how heartbreaking it was to know that Andrea dealt with a lot of the same things– and worse, before she passed away. Even though we were only casual aquaintances at best, it was just really really difficult to process. But it reminded me how vastly important songwriting and music is– how it contributes to the world and how cathartic it is.

After I performed “Kindred”, I left the stage and pretty much lost it. Sam came backstage, introduced herself, and hugged me. We talked about how much cancer totally sucks. I told her about how much music meant to me, and how over the past number of years, between being sick, trying to restore my normal life again, and land on my feet financially, it wasn’t in the cards for me to make a record. She encouraged me to put a proposal together, write an essay, and apply for a SAMFund grant.

Initially, I felt enormously guilty about it. I kept thinking that there were more deserving people, that I’d be able to make a record one day down the line, I just had to make some sacrifices and save for a number of years first. Besides, I still had some other medical expenses I had to pay off– it was kind of silly to to make a record when I still had debts to pay. But I was encouraged by Sam, my wife Kristen, family and friends. And the more I thought about it, the more I began to see this as a responsibility to myself. I’m truly so tired of putting things off. I had to do that for a good portion of my twenties. Cancer can suck an egg, really. If I didn’t this now, then when?

I submitted a proposal, toiled over and sent in my essay. I wasn’t really confident I would get picked. When I did, I was truly honored. I couldn’t believe it, really. This was really going to happen. I was elated. But I wasn’t prepared for what I would learn next.

From The SAMFund:

In honor of her life, the The SAMFund has established the Andrea Coller Memorial Award, to be given to individuals who share Andrea’s passion and strength of spirit. Andrea’s friends and family will be involved in the selection process.

Sam called me while I was at work to tell me that Andrea’s family and friends selected me to be the first recipient of the Andrea Coller Memorial Award. Even just typing that now, I still can’t quite believe it. When I found out, I was in absolute awe. I somehow had to return to work and finish the work day and process what this all meant.

I won’t ever be able to express my gratitude or how humbling it is to know that Andrea’s family and friends think that I’m deserving of this. All I can do is honor it, and pour my heart and soul into making this record. And everything is starting to come together. I’ve been working with other musicians to work out some arrangements. I’m sending things to Dave Chalfant at Sackamusic. I’m writing and re-writing things. I have all these ideas. And I’m so grateful that I get to do this.

This is all really happening.

This past Wednesday, Kristen and I stayed at the Sheraton in Boston’s Back Bay. My mother was nice enough to let us use her reward points, so we wound up staying in a pretty awesome suite on the 24th floor. For dinner, we went to Brasserie Jo. I had the steak frites. Kristen had the Chicken Coq Au Vin. Absolutely delicious. Seriously. Though I knew I would enjoy it when they brought each of us a baguette. I cannot express how much I love bread. It was nice to be able to chill out in Boston the night before my appointment on Thursday at Dana Farber.

It was a regular checkup of all my Hodgkin’s related stuff. I wasn’t looking forward to it, especially since my recent PET scan showed a slight enlargement of a lymph node in my neck. For weeks before my appointment I was pretty worried that a recurrence may have been on the horizon. Luckily, after they examined the scans at length, they determined that it wasn’t much of a cause for concern. They’re repeating scans in April just to be on the safe side. I could have just had a sore throat that day or something like that when I had my first PET scan. I can’t tell you how relieved I was.

In general, these regular checkups and doctor’s appointments are strangely more difficult for me now since they’re less frequent. I guess it’s the whole ‘out of site– out of mind’ mentality. When I go to these things, I’m reminded of all the difficult things I’ve been through. Now that I am so happy and in such a good place in my life, it’s easy to put those things out of my mind mostly. Anyhow, it was Kristen’s first visit to Dana Farber, so I’m sure it was weird for her but also good to get a new perspective on my health-life.

I’m just glad we got to offset the not-so-fun stuff with the hotel and the fancypants dinner the night before.

Oh, and on our way home, we stopped at the ‘rich people mall’, the Atrium in Chestnut Hill. We strolled around places like Restoration Hardware, Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Anthroplogie, and other such stores. And of course, there was a Cheesecake Factory, so we wound up eating there for dinner. It was surprisingly delicious.

Oh, and Kristen picked up a TheKnot magazine, which had 800 wedding dress ideas. But what will I wear?!